I Can't

The winter of Life is indeed a different time in our lives. All our lives we have been on a what can I thing. From our first steps to graduations, marriage and life in general. Firsts and now perhaps we need to acknowledge lasts. I have noted as I age I become more invisible, and the less people seem to expect of me This can be frustrating and seems to be a norm. The first are different now. Decades ago, when "Bucket lists" were first a thing. I had 12 things on my list. I have done quite a few things that were on that list, but the number remains the same. Why? Well first I had Ski the Alps on my original list and bad knees eliminated skiing anywhere, so I substituted on the list. Drive a convertible along convertible the Pacific Highway was high on the list and this I did. Awesome! I accomplished several things on the list, but as they become impossible either physically or financially I kept substituting, The list remains at 12. Life is to live and living well means dying well too. I know my years are numbered but I think saying I CAN, is so much better than saying I CANT. Let me explain, recently I was told I couldn't do a computer thing because I am old and probably ..... you get this. My last work assignment was at Arkansas Children’s Hospital and Deb, Keri, Melisa, Sydney, Lorna, James and Jordan would not let me say I don’t get it. I leaned new things, they did too. I was inspired to feel like The Little Engine that Could, I try to keep asking questions and learning. I expect on the last day of my life I will still be asking questions. I Have also learned to speak up. I watch people, including myself remain silent to keep the peace and perpetuate bad behavior, untruths and sometimes hurtful things, just in the name of keeping peace, This is wrong for ME. I keep trying to address these things tactfully but even tack is not effective when people are used to bullying, lying or pressuring to get their own way. I will keep working on this I may add it to my list as --Be truthful and kind even when it will disturb the peace.. So, is growing old; a time to quit Growing? It is not for me. In this past year I have learned and grown in many areas. My favorite beside my volunteer work at St. Vincent de Paul is learning new ways to pray and meditate. I have an entire new look and understanding of the Gospels, amazing! When I grew up, people retired and rather quit doing things, it is still like that for some and for others we keep growing. I remember my relatives doing a few things, but it never included new things or reaching out. I like to think that the Boomers are partially going to change that. I hope so We are not done, we have much to offer, and we can learn new things. We did thing that brought us here. I worked on computer charting for a decade before it became a reality, now medical records are electronic. I have witnessed so many medical firsts, I remember doing a laparoscopic surgery when we had to refer to directions. Now it is the standard and will be changing again. Business, Education, Service we are pioneers and should be proud that we did what we did, so the younger generation can complain about the odd things we did. Just like we criticized our elders before them The world has changed, particularly in medicine, education and technology is mind boggling. This is the circle of life, everlasting change. I love having information at my fingertips. I was one of those kids who looked up everything in our Complete Encyclopedia set yes, we had one, with annual updates. Now in 30 seconds or less I have my information. AI is making this even more informative. I said earlier my years are numbered, how I have no idea, but I am determined to keep learning, growing and hopefully contributing something to this life. We live to die, and I would like to do it well. my attitude is I CAN, not the opposite.

The Winter of Life is Not for Sissys "I AM "

I AM. WHAT I AM. NOW, AND I WILL ALWAYS BE, WHAT I AM. I wrote that when I was in high school. I am not certain I knew exactly what I was saying then but according to my journal I was sad about something and unhappy with myself. I will not rack my brain to try to remember back that many years, plus I was a teenager. I could have had a bad hair day and hated how I looked. Not too important today. Decades later, after much reflection I am certain that I might have been wiser than I knew. I realize now that over time we make decisions and live our lives in the best way we can at a given point in time. I have made some choices that today when I look back I sometimes want to rethink and can get into a little self-blaming. I certainly am not close to that same person I was then, I evolved as my life and circumstances changed. Love, Children, life, death, career, location, other people all add up to change. We adapt as we go, sometimes on the fly and sometimes with thought and care. But we do evolve and change. I has taken years of Faith, therapy, medication and time to realize that I have indeed done that best that I was able to do given the point in time and circumstances. I have learned not to re criticize myself. I do occasionally relapse, but not for long. Life is about growth and change. nothing ever stays the same, even rocks wear over time. The thing that has sustained me, if Faith. God loves me. (however, believing that all the time, can take work) it does for me, less and less as I keep moving, but it is important to always remember, and when I do something dumb hard to believe. I am now trying to learn to give the same grace to others. This is hard, but I am finding not nearly as hard as it was to accept Grace and Forgiveness for myself. It takes courage to be. It takes courage to accept and understand our own shortcomings and be honest to ourselves. in fact, I am not certain if I will ever get it right. It is easier to let hard truth slide and ignore the errors. I wrote this today because I had a conversation with someone who was feeling down because of things she had done early in her life and today regrets. She was young, a different time and place and we talked about what I have written above. I hope it made sense to her, because the person she is today is not the irresponsible impulsive teenager she talked about. She had changed, but I have no doubt at that time she thought she was fine with her decisions. Even that is hard to reconcile because we don’t think the same way today. No matter what I AM You ARE