Forgivensss is not an Eraser

I have struggled for years with the concept of self-forgiveness. I totally understand that others have forgiven my transgressions and I because I do believe in God I also believe that my sins are forgiven
This is where the issues sort of begins.  I have a good life.  I had some years, however where I made poor choices, hurt people that cared and in general was not a person I liked. 

I have truly been Blessed in the past years with recovery from a potentially fatal disease, Stan has regained his health.  My Mom is living and happy.  My family is well, our collective children are well as are their children.

so what is my problem?  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, do I deserve this happiness? and I go on, with this unproductive litany.  I keep going back to the past because I do remember those stupid things I did.  I secretly wonder if people would like me if they "knew" the real me?

This is probably  not unique to me, but because we seldom discuss these fears with others, I am not certain. 

I can answer this a little better at least  to myself today.  I recently had a conversation with friends and the topic of past sins came up.  We all agreed we were fortunate to have grown and improved and during this conversation it occurred to me that I am who I am today because of those decisions and actions, indeed we all are products of our past.  Big discovery right?

Not too profound, but the light bulb that illuminated my  mind clearly showed me that while I have moved on, been forgiven  in fact became someone I like most of the time, forgiveness did not erase my mistakes, instead they remain remind me that I was capable of more, I am loved and supported to continue to grow.
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What I needed to see is how I am reminded to be thoughtful, and mindful of myself and others, it is not necessary to erase anything, what I need to do is remind myself to keep the pencil sharp and writing the story forward.

just a few random thoughts on life as I begin writing a new chapter starting in New England, interspersed with Ohio, and other places where my loved one live and I will hopefully keep
moving on, learning and loving more.

I pray for all I love and hope they pray for me.

Getting older is indeed, not for Sissys.