Imagination, the Zest of Life

In Out of Africa, Karen Blixon, speaks of being an armchair traveler and until I heard the term I had never thought of myself in that way. She speaks of traveling to exotic places and spin here tales based on her imaginary traveler. As a little girl I traveled to outer space, China, Germany and hundreds of other places I found in the multiple books I read,  I created my own stories as well.  I still read and travel via book, and now when traveling my stories take on an entire life of their own in multiple airports.

I love sitting in the airport just observing the facial expressions of people which  inspires ideas for marvelous stories. They can be sweet, spicy or dangerous, you get to choose. I have never been bored in  public transportation situation in my life.  I have nearly missed a connection because of being lost in a different world.

I imagination takes us to new dimensions, expands some of our normal dimensions, and allows our
minds to be creative.

some could call this daydreaming, but I prefer to see it as a creative pastime where anything is possible.  This day dreaming is a good activity when the world seems especially harsh, traveling to a another place with other characters can provide a break, or respite from the drama of daily life.  Giving our minds a chance to regroup, as long as we come back and do not stay permanently in the fantasy world.

I do know that thinking is healthy, people watching is entertaining and educational and reading certainly needs no defense as a pastime.  I do believe that imagination is what keeps us creative, active and inspires a quest for more and more knowledge.  I doubt that i will ever want to quit reading and or dreaming. What about you?

Lessons for today, from TV

Life is just full of surprises.

  I am an avid NCIS follower and if I could live a new younger career I would want to be a combination of several of the characters.  I see myself in some of their persona's.
Gibbs in his pragmatic and straight forward manner is aloof, seemingly uninvolved emotionally and take charge would be a great OR Director.  He would just say, " Follow the policy, just do the work, no nonsense and be professional."
 Ziva a somewhat scarred individual, with a flawed relationship with her father.  All woman, all professional capable of love, caring and able to kill if her job requires it. Her physical stamina and abilities are just awesome.  I am envious of that.
Abbey, crazy unconventional and brilliant with the heart of gold. Also all woman in a different way from Ziva, appealing and provocative yet restrained in relationships.
I could add characteristics from the other characters but the result would be that same, qualities I have or would like to have and would like to secretly evolve or live,
I have an adventurous side, I can be aloof, I do hold back and certainly in my hospital work I really do wish at times I could just be totally black and white and say JUST DO IT. It is the right thing to do

I am like many other people in this world, if I could live life over in my fantasy world I might be a different sort of person in a different work role.
The appeal of leading a more dangerous life style as a law enforcement person is a strong feeling.
Perhaps I have an undeveloped side that has never been tapped, perhaps this is just part of the fantasy life I live in my dreams, who knows?  I do not.
What I do know is that I am a complex person, I have not yet learned all that I am intended to know.
I have learned in the past two days that things are not always as they may seem and I can benefit from the view seen by others

Two different people discussed the same situation with me and yes, I did learn a new view of a topic I thought I really understood.  WOW, i could have been wrong, or worse yet I didn't look far enough of the answers. 

Perhaps that is why I got on the NCIS kick, like all characters, they eventually see the issues, and solve the problems.  IN real life we stumble and slip but generally we find the end or solution.
My lack of patience has hindered my growing more that one time.

I will continue to be a complex person in both my real world and my other persona.

The one truth that did hit me tonight was that in the latest program Ziva lost her father without ever making his ever making amends, or her forgiving him for his offenses.  This is true of me.  My father was not much in my life, but when he died in 1980, I certainly had not established any relationship with him, no closure, no goodbye.  I am reminded that it has taken me years to come to grips with this and forgive me for not reaching out and him for whatever it was he did or did not do.  It simply is over and hard feelings, are not sustainable.
Why this matters tonight is that I could feel her pain and understand her anguish, she is playing a part and this was a part of my life.  I can only hope the writers will  give her peace.

I have had an opportunity today to learn, be surprised, laugh a little and cry a little.
 Just another feature of the Winter of Life, reflection is good, growth is possible and Hope is ever present.

Making a Difference, Comes as a Surprise

I just finished a wonderful adventure.  I did an interim work assignment at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital,in New Bunswick, NJ.
My job was basically the same thing that I have been doing for many years.  I managed an Operating Room.  The difference was the goal was to find a permanent director for the facility. After a very long search and a fair amount of work the goal was met.  Transitioning the new director was just fun and supported a feeling of an accomplished task.

The job was certainly challenging, but rewarding.

 Everywhere,  even in the once dreaded New York City, people were wonderful.  Helpful, kind and caring. More abrupt in conversation and mannerisms to be certain than in some of my other worlds, but the basic human values were there to be seen and experienced.


Where ever I went I encountered kind people.  The train conductor who explained the mass transit rules for my first train trip to Penn Station and my first City outing.  I went alone, felt safe and had a wonderful time. People in stores, those in the churches I visited, coworkers, People working in the post Sandy centers.  People, wonderful people
I found new friends that have touched my heart and will remain there.

I explored the state from Cape May on the south shore and was treated to a quiet beauty and beautiful countryside.  I took back roads and believe it much like the Carolina's ans Ohio there are back areas that are not easy to reach.  Wonderful rolling hills move into the Poconos, the Jersey Shore had a great deal to offer with beautiful beaches. my first real Boardwalks.  Atlantic city Vegas of the East. was exciting and alive.  My most memorable event there was a trip on the famed Sling Shot on the steel pier followed  a sedate ride in a boardwalk carriage (person powered)
Beautiful farmlands, woods, and marvelous architecture were everywhere.  Not nearly enough time in a year to see it all, but I tried.

I visited an Episcopal Church with a graveyard with Revolutionary War graves, the history was amazing. The bulidings were just too amazing for me to accurately describe.

I went about my job, explored and prepared to leave
What I had not prepared for was the things people shared with me  before I left.  Many of the farwells
were very tearful, as I was told over and over about things I had done that made a difference.I was  awed, as a friend pointed out perhaps these people felt compelled to speak out because I was leaving.

I am not certain why they took that time; I do know I was surprised, I simply was there I did listen, I certainly cared but the acts were all simple things that had perfect timing to make a difference

The lesson learned is two fold.  Even the simplest things can really impact others and perhpas we all need to tell people when they do make a difference.  My new promotion for communication.
Tell people you care
Tell people you hear them
Look and really see others
Surprise yourself, I certainly did;  now I have to continue on this course.
Pray for me

The Lioness Lives

When my children were small I learned that I would do almost anything to keep them safe and certainly wanted to protect them from anything that would hurt them.

Little did I know that when they grew up the feeling would remain and in fact grow stronger when it comes to the Grandchildren. 

My family is everything to me and if you hurt anyone of them we are essentially done.  I have effectively dismissed anyone from my life over the years that I felt hurt or would hurt my family.  Perhaps some of this has been misguided but none the less it remains a fact.  I wish I had always been able to apply that same principle to those who hurt me, but that is a completely different thing from the Lioness principle.

I have been thinking about this for some time and after a week with my Grandsons I realize that I would gladly do anything to keep them safe from mean people, and I will.  I love them so much my heart hurts because it swells with love,  I am so Blessed .   No one, but no one, had better hurt them ever.

This may not make much sense to anyone but I felt like saying it. 

People fail to meet our expectations Hmmm

I have been an RN since 1974, longer than some of my friends have been alive, yet I continue to fail in people judging, I am an eternal optimist and believe in the inherent good of others.

 When I worked in FL I had some nurses that actually made voodoo dolls of me because I had a job that they felt should go to someone else,  Unbelievable, yes and yet it is true, I didn't have a clue,  Did it make a difference I truly do not know if the voodoo worked or I was spooked, Fortunately for me the company had other issues and I never had to face the decisions I would have had to make.

Now it is 2012, and I thought things were going well at my interim assignment..I believed what I was told by someone I had replaced and she took a new role.  She has been doing great in a perfect role, in my opinion, and yet in a very public forum she told a Director at our facility that she is doing nothing and I do not know what I am doing.

Well , why was I surprised, hurt and baffled,  I believed that she was happy and doing something to make things better. She actually needed some guidelines and time lines but is great in a teaching role. silly me.

She undermined me, the team and herself.  Do I understand this subversive behavior, no.  I do not.
I have worked with toxic people before and they were hateful, I can not however deal well with this subversive and deceptive behavior.  My decision to move on was difficult \
I am trying to understand the logic she used, and understand where she wants to be

The thing is Nurses need trust and this is now an issue,, How do I deal with this??

I honestly thought with age I would learn to judge better, yet I remain an optomist

Expectatons from the 50/60s on being married, etc.

I recently found something I wrote in High School, it was from Home Economics and the assignment was to write about our view of marriage.  Then I dreamed about being 1/2 half of the perfect couple, OK I did not  use the word perfect, but in re-reading this decades old epistle I learned that my view then was very traditional.  I viewed my role as a wife to make my husbands life perfect.  The actions involved in this included the perfectly clean house, dinner on the table when he was ready, getting up to put on my make up so he would always see me at my best.  I went on to elaborate about this would be accomplished.
My view on this at sixteen was shaped by the world I lived in, marriage was an expectation, being single at the ripe old age of 25, made you a spinster.  Laugh if you will but rural Wisconsin at that time did not have a view of the career beyond being the wife, mother and perhaps secondary income.  Yes there were women with careers, but the truth was they were not recognized in my little world as role models, more likely they were secretly  pitied. 

I did marry young, and did spend my days trying to be the perfect wife to Ken.  My world revolved around him, and unfortunately my goals were unrealistic.  I lacked balance.  I loved doing what I did then, it seemed perfectly normal and I was happy.  However life happened.

How did this way of living affect my life as I see it now?
The absolute truth is I will never really know, but I do see that I excluded my friends from this life.  I saw my girl friends and their significant others, but our previously close relationships were replaced with a more casual friendship.  I would never have admitted that there was anything I lacked,  I have a husband and my life was to be perfect.  Not being perfect WAS not an option in my definition of my life. One simply did not hang out their dirty laundry, you managed.

This was the expectation.  What I did not see that it was my own expectation, based on what I thought I HAD to be. It isolated me, and that did shape my future.

How different the outlook is today. 

Today women are encourage to embrace marriage and their other world together, the isolation part is long gone, the world has broadened. The balance of worlds is difficult but seems to encourage a more complete person that is multi-focused.. 

In looking back I think that my changed relationship with my closer friends had a profound effect on the course of my life.  I rationalized much, did not have feedback on my views and made decisions based on my own conclusions.  Duh?  But it  is what I knew then, I thank God that I have learned to ask others for help, understand we do not need to be only unto ourselves , input and encouragement is good for the soul and everyday living.

Being a "Good Wife" is still a part of my life, but being the best person I can be is my goal, it fits in to my roles as being a Good--Person, Mom, Friend, Nurse, Mentor, Grandmother, Daughter,Citizen, community member and of course Wife does fit into this broadened world and completes the person I am today, more balanced, confident and faithful to my God and myself.

LIfe is good but aging does bring a few realizations.  The most importatnt to me of these life lessons is that I have always tried to do what I thought was best, but I did not always have the right information to accomplish what was best.

The key to this is that I do know I did try, and what I know today is that my choices not matter what they were , brought new opportunities and certainly did broaden my horizons.  I do like me today, and I know I am still learning, growing and changing.  Yep, I am still alive and learning. 

One More Move, Time to Cherish, Time to Remember .

It is 2 AM and here I am.  Why?  Moving is definitely harder as time marches on.. My hands ache from twisting the mop, arms are sore from pulling and stretching and so forth. Moving was physically difficult in my twenties but NOW, challenging is hardly appropriate.  However the time spent in the past months doing flexibility and strengthening work is paying off.  I can still move!....however some Advil is past due.
 You add to the necessary moving  tasks a bit of heat. (the air conditioning will not be connected until Tues.) and this adds a new dimension.  Wet t-shirt contest does not begin to describe what one looks like after moping floors in an entire house. (there is no carpeting by design)

My aches and pains awakened me but the solitude of the chaotic apartment in its transition state is soothing.  The clock is ticking reminding me how many places it has resided and how great it will be in its new home

I can hear the cat grooming herself, a peaceful and relaxing sound, seldom actually heard. Now she is purring while grooming, reminiscent of what I think would be my reaction to sinking into a lovely bubble bath. 

More than forty years ago I started on the first of my moves. 

Wisconsin to Fort Huchauca AZ.  I packed everything we owned into our VW Beetle, squeezed out a small space (even with the top of my seat for Missy, our mutt pup) and off I went.  Barley 21 years old and moving off across the country.  Too young and dumb to understand what an undertaking this was for a small town girl.  Driving across the country (alone) was an adventure and not as dangerous then for a young woman alone.

Did I have a glimmer then, that this would be only the first of many moves, many states?  No, but it did set the idea that there was a huge world and country to see.  It banished my fears of the unknown to the extent that to this day I love to explore new places and I am still driving off many times without a destination, now, just to see what is there.

That was the first and easiest of all the moves.  The contents of my life were in that auto, now it is in a van,  The van is filled with memories of a life: the loves, memories, pains, discoveries and hopes.  This week I will sort my out my life in things while I relive the intangible memories,  that accompany the things.  It will be a week of aches, tears and smiles and I look forward to the challenge.

Memorial Day 2012, a time to remember those that made my life as I know it possible,  God Bless them all.