I Can't

The winter of Life is indeed a different time in our lives. All our lives we have been on a what can I thing. From our first steps to graduations, marriage and life in general. Firsts and now perhaps we need to acknowledge lasts. I have noted as I age I become more invisible, and the less people seem to expect of me This can be frustrating and seems to be a norm. The first are different now. Decades ago, when "Bucket lists" were first a thing. I had 12 things on my list. I have done quite a few things that were on that list, but the number remains the same. Why? Well first I had Ski the Alps on my original list and bad knees eliminated skiing anywhere, so I substituted on the list. Drive a convertible along convertible the Pacific Highway was high on the list and this I did. Awesome! I accomplished several things on the list, but as they become impossible either physically or financially I kept substituting, The list remains at 12. Life is to live and living well means dying well too. I know my years are numbered but I think saying I CAN, is so much better than saying I CANT. Let me explain, recently I was told I couldn't do a computer thing because I am old and probably ..... you get this. My last work assignment was at Arkansas Children’s Hospital and Deb, Keri, Melisa, Sydney, Lorna, James and Jordan would not let me say I don’t get it. I leaned new things, they did too. I was inspired to feel like The Little Engine that Could, I try to keep asking questions and learning. I expect on the last day of my life I will still be asking questions. I Have also learned to speak up. I watch people, including myself remain silent to keep the peace and perpetuate bad behavior, untruths and sometimes hurtful things, just in the name of keeping peace, This is wrong for ME. I keep trying to address these things tactfully but even tack is not effective when people are used to bullying, lying or pressuring to get their own way. I will keep working on this I may add it to my list as --Be truthful and kind even when it will disturb the peace.. So, is growing old; a time to quit Growing? It is not for me. In this past year I have learned and grown in many areas. My favorite beside my volunteer work at St. Vincent de Paul is learning new ways to pray and meditate. I have an entire new look and understanding of the Gospels, amazing! When I grew up, people retired and rather quit doing things, it is still like that for some and for others we keep growing. I remember my relatives doing a few things, but it never included new things or reaching out. I like to think that the Boomers are partially going to change that. I hope so We are not done, we have much to offer, and we can learn new things. We did thing that brought us here. I worked on computer charting for a decade before it became a reality, now medical records are electronic. I have witnessed so many medical firsts, I remember doing a laparoscopic surgery when we had to refer to directions. Now it is the standard and will be changing again. Business, Education, Service we are pioneers and should be proud that we did what we did, so the younger generation can complain about the odd things we did. Just like we criticized our elders before them The world has changed, particularly in medicine, education and technology is mind boggling. This is the circle of life, everlasting change. I love having information at my fingertips. I was one of those kids who looked up everything in our Complete Encyclopedia set yes, we had one, with annual updates. Now in 30 seconds or less I have my information. AI is making this even more informative. I said earlier my years are numbered, how I have no idea, but I am determined to keep learning, growing and hopefully contributing something to this life. We live to die, and I would like to do it well. my attitude is I CAN, not the opposite.

The Winter of Life is Not for Sissys "I AM "

I AM. WHAT I AM. NOW, AND I WILL ALWAYS BE, WHAT I AM. I wrote that when I was in high school. I am not certain I knew exactly what I was saying then but according to my journal I was sad about something and unhappy with myself. I will not rack my brain to try to remember back that many years, plus I was a teenager. I could have had a bad hair day and hated how I looked. Not too important today. Decades later, after much reflection I am certain that I might have been wiser than I knew. I realize now that over time we make decisions and live our lives in the best way we can at a given point in time. I have made some choices that today when I look back I sometimes want to rethink and can get into a little self-blaming. I certainly am not close to that same person I was then, I evolved as my life and circumstances changed. Love, Children, life, death, career, location, other people all add up to change. We adapt as we go, sometimes on the fly and sometimes with thought and care. But we do evolve and change. I has taken years of Faith, therapy, medication and time to realize that I have indeed done that best that I was able to do given the point in time and circumstances. I have learned not to re criticize myself. I do occasionally relapse, but not for long. Life is about growth and change. nothing ever stays the same, even rocks wear over time. The thing that has sustained me, if Faith. God loves me. (however, believing that all the time, can take work) it does for me, less and less as I keep moving, but it is important to always remember, and when I do something dumb hard to believe. I am now trying to learn to give the same grace to others. This is hard, but I am finding not nearly as hard as it was to accept Grace and Forgiveness for myself. It takes courage to be. It takes courage to accept and understand our own shortcomings and be honest to ourselves. in fact, I am not certain if I will ever get it right. It is easier to let hard truth slide and ignore the errors. I wrote this today because I had a conversation with someone who was feeling down because of things she had done early in her life and today regrets. She was young, a different time and place and we talked about what I have written above. I hope it made sense to her, because the person she is today is not the irresponsible impulsive teenager she talked about. She had changed, but I have no doubt at that time she thought she was fine with her decisions. Even that is hard to reconcile because we don’t think the same way today. No matter what I AM You ARE

The Winter of Life is Not for Sissys. Aging is Not a curse

1 Getting older is not a curse. It is however, sometimes difficult to appreciate the fact that is a Blessing. 2 3 My faith is an important part of my life and as I navigate growing older it has played a major role. In most of my church activities my age does not seem to be a factor. Me as a person is valued and able to contribute fully. At least in my church where "all" are welcome. 4 5 6 recently I have learned that stress affects me differently than it used to. I used to be able to take some things in stride that no longer bounce off as easily. Much of this may be related to my own perception of how younger people respond to me and others who are older. 7 8 A few examples of ageism that are with us every day--being invisible, having people speak louder and slower, and other cases where older individuals are treated differently. 9 10 Case in point is related to anything computer related. I frequently run zoom virtual meetings from church and yet in other places I am questioned about my ability to do so. I realize that people may be offering to help, but when they offer and then take over it gives the impression that i am not capable. In the past I would have said, great you can go ahead. Yes, growing older seems to increase my sensitivity to "help". I find myself short on responses and perhaps too abrupt. I do pray for guidance, but sometimes my desire to do it myself interferes. Yes, I am computer literate but not a genius. 11 12 Another thing I have learned is that I can take on too much and admit it. I am finding myself missing deadlines, writing down things wrong (I use my electronics for my calendar) because it is now hard for me to write by hand. MY chemo from decades ago has finally really affected my hands, first they were weaker, and I couldn't hold retractors during a surgery, then they were painful, now I had to give up jewelry making, and a few other fine skills, now writing is uncomfortable. it is embarrassing to not be able to always write or note take and the stiffness also can affect using a keyboard. 13 14 the trick that I have not been able to master is how to pare down the responsibilities I have agreed to. Younger me, would have delegated or declined. but something about being older I suddenly seemed to think I had more time--strange the days still have the same number of hours, and the weeks are still just 7 days. 15 16 Here I am stressed because I have too much to do, how do I decide what to change? 17 When I was younger, obviously the job was a must, now the choices are what keeps me busy and what makes sense and gives me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment''. 18 19 Getting older to me, A blessing and a time to give back. Choosing activities that make sense, give back, help others, and bring joy. this certainly does not mean doing everything for pleasure, some things require work. 20 this may not be what I would choose but that brings me one of the above, i.e. picking up trash is not fun but a clean-up project is an example that would make sense. What I do know is that understanding the Blessing requires common sense. Each of us has only so much time on this earth and using the time wisely has become so important to me. I do not want to spend my time being cranky, rude, and stressed, I am quite human and these reactions when applied to my responses is distressing. Being a cranky old person is not in my DNA, and time management with self-honesty is what I need to guide me along with listening to the Spirit,. In fact, that will be a priority to establish balance in my life will be more time to meditate and read. 21

THE WINTER OF LIFE IS NOT FOR SISSIES. What do you see?

Aging is indeed, not for Sissie’s. It is hard work for many reasons. Aging brings with it so many challenges but the one I am focusing on now is what we see, and what others see. Sometimes when I look into the mirror I see reality, an aging overweight, wrinkled woman--that is the reality: but other times I see the browned eyed, twenty-five year old person I used to see in the mirror. who danced to hard rock doing housework and walked in the rain. You see, they both live inside me. People are so much more than what you physically see, they are experiences, years of laughter, tears, and toil as well. My children and Grandchildren know me in those roles and yet I seriously doubt they that know the person who makes those roles happen. they see what they see, and experience: and yet, this is only a small part of the person I am. This is not a bad thing, it is life. We don't probably know our children as people too well either. I don't know their daily routines, little irritations, small pleasures unless I am there. I think we, perhaps just me, define others by what we see and experience. This is what makes sense. I started sharing a few stories about my childhood with my Grandsons, do they read them? I hope so but sharing some of these bits of our lives opens windows to the person we see in the mirror. A difficult part of aging is that we become increasingly invisible as we age. You know you have reached this point when people seem to glance past you instead of looking at you, speak loudly because they assume you can’t hear, tsk in annoyance when you walk too slowly, start calling you dear and other words that are too personal, but seem appropriate when talking to an old person? I can't say i understand but it is annoying and insulting. How do I see younger people? It only fair to share this am I looking at younger people the way I wish to be seen, as a person of many facets or am I steroty0ing them as I often feel I am? along with aging is the difficult task of seeing younger people as people too. when I see a person with red or green hair, I think wow I wish I had, had the courage to do something like that, or remember another time when I didn't take a risk. I know I can't understand the struggles they have had with Covid disrupting their lives, we never experienced that. Today young people practice mass shooting drills, we got under our desks for nuclear bomb scares. Neither seems to have a real escape but I personally feel the world is scarier today. The way people dress at any age, is individual and I admit I have a difficult time not judging by appearance, but I do like wild hair, colors but modesty is also something I advocate. (I did wear hot pants, and minis but more seemed to be covered). The hard work of Living is really seeing our world and others in a real way. We are supposed to Love One Another and I firmly believe God created all of us to live in this world. My job is perhaps to look and others and see them as I see myself in that mirror, many people, many faces, and sum total of all those years. Aging is not for Sissies, but neither is Living.

The Winter of Life is Not for Sissys Loving One's Self

growing older is definitely a priviledge. Far too many people I knew did not get this opportunity. This is simply a fact and aging if we are is a priviledge. This weekend I heard Bishop Michael Curry deliver a consecration message and as many of his refelctions are, it was centered on Love. We are called to Love one Another, all others!. the others needs to remind us that includes loving ourselves. John 13:34-35 4 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. Luke 6:35 - But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. I need to love myself more to make better choices and decisions. I am in a season of life that consists of many more LASTS than FIRSTS. This is not a time to give up trying new things by any means, it does mean adjusting our expectations of what we can do. I wanted to ski the Alps as a young woman, that advanced to visit the Alps and now I watch videos. I do realistically believe I will be not able to personally see the Apls or Tahaiti. I can do armchair visits and technology allows me to do this. I make frequent road trips and because of the lengths of these trips, people often ask me How?, Why? and when I ansewer "because I can," I am not being disinguine in any way. I fully realize that somtime in the future, driving thousands of miles will not be possible for me. I will drive and thrive as long as I can. There will be an end to this skill. It is a natural progression of how aging works. I need to love myself and othes enough to keep trying, learning and growing. Yes, growing! I can't do some things i used to do, but i can still try new things, things that are doable with my aging physical self. Walking, instead ot hiking-I can drive to trails and explore to my ability. I do not have to do the difficult trails to enjoy the beauth and peace of nature. Reading new books, discussions, new groups. Signing up for a new class, attend a Y or Senior center actvity, I have made new friends each year and it requires reaching out or going new places. Big secret, I do not like going into new situations, I am afraid of them. I do make myself try new situations. Guess what? Once there, I remind myself everyone was once a stranger. Yes, there are cliques and many groups do not welcome new people because change is hard for them. Be the change, find your own group, volunteer, new epxeriences and new friends are right there. This is beginning to sound like like a downer,it really is not. Change is hard for some. Be the change, find your own group, volunteer, new experiences, and new friends are right there. Aging is not a picnic, but it is a new experience. none of us has ever been this age before. I embrace making the most of it. Mobile meditation is something I have embraced since Covid. I spent many hours driving and finding places that appealed to me where I could take photos, meditate, and just revel in the beauty of our Created world. I frequently return to the same places, because as I learned as a child there will be something new each time I visit, if I but look. None of us know how long we will physically be here, but as I age the reality passing into the next life seems more eminent. This tells me to live and learn. Nowhere have I ever heard that getting older means you should sit and wait. Getting older is a challenge, it requires effort and resilience. We are told to love one another, love ourselves and do the work we are here to do. So today, 1 May 2023 it is snowing, and I WILL try to love it. Grudgingly! The Winter of Life is Not for Sissy’s and here in Wisconsin it is tenacious.

Lemons to Lemonade ( on being a widow)

Yeserday someone asked me whiy I still belonged to a Widow/Widoweeer group. The rationale is it has been seven years since Stan died and why would I still need to belong to group like this? I had to think about it and these are some of my thoughts. Being a widowed is not a choice. One day you are a couple and the next day you and alone. It is not a choice. It just is. Good marriage or not great there are still memories that pop up. Even people who have remarried have their days when a tear can roll out, with an unexpected memory. There is not a cutoff date for grief, in fact giref is probably more unpredictablee than any thing I can think of as an example. Everyone has thier own way of handling grief and there ceeretainly is not a right answeer. The thing is is that included with the grieving is learning to live a comletely different life. The other par of us us gone and a million little things come up that you never realized thee other did For example for decades Stan made the morning coffee, It took me months to actually make some for myself, Not lazineess just a hard thing to do for me. I went right back to work because it kept me busy, but the nights were hell. I had neever , ever lived alone beforee, once you are part of a couple and then you arent some friends (couples disappear because the third is awarkward for them). I am blessed to have couplee firends where all three of us have a great time and all is well, but you have to be comfortablee with being friends with couples. I love bing around people who are happy with each otheer, it is contagious and never fails to make me feel goodl I adimit I am envious but find it uplifiting to enjoy thier happiness.

Time for an Attitude Change

The Winter of LIFE Is Not for Sissys it is however a time for refletion and personal growth. WE all have some things about ourselves that we need to examine, i am sharing mine to encourage others to look at thiers, not necessarily share but to ponder. Over the course of years we have all developed habits of LIfe and I have been taing stock of some of mine. I went through a period of time when, depresion seemed to rule my life and I was a truly mean girl. I felt life was unfair, i didn't understand why "everyone" else had it better. Better everything! I was unable to see clearly that my choices, and actions were based on what i don't know but i had a very sharp tongue and negativity ruled my heart. I didn't like me and was totally convinced I was unworthy , a failure. I hid my negative self thougths with hurtful words. I had therapy, time and hard work to correct that.today i have a grateful heart. I see the glass as half full or better. I LIKE me, although it remains a struggle and self doubt or second guessing will probebly always remain. Now I problem solve these thoguhts and do understand that I try tp make thoughtful decisions based on what i know at the time and how they will produce a positive outcome. During my darkest times, many times I felt God had passed me by because i was so bad. My own guild fueling this thought. one day I just knew I was not alone and forwhatever reason I was able to pray again. I found a new peace and know that we all have the tools to change. God has provide therapists, medications and friends to have our backs. Now my present thinking is that while I still have guilt over things I did which were mean or out of line, i cannever really change those long ago actions, my job today is to move on, living in the Way, an doing the best as I can. Past actions can be regretted, but should not consume us because we acted then in a way that was all that we could do. If I encounter someone from this time I will certainly try to make amends, but even today as I make decisions about my actions I know I WILL still make mistakes. The difference is that today my motivation and thought process is based on Faith and a belief that with prayerful thought i will make good choices. Today my challenge it to continue to look for kindness, distrubute it and keep praying for the right choices. The WInter of Life is not for Sissys but a time to keep growing!