Who Has the Rule Book

This blog post will be an on going proposition.  I am certainly happy that I am growing older.  There are many who were dear to me that no longer have this option.  I am puzzled by one thing.  We do not really have new parent manuals, there are sort of books, we have a lot of research and literature on careen building, Life coaching, Life Balance and  not much on How To Age

I am going to explore some of the phenomena  that those of us aging experience.

My first topic later this week will be
When did men stop looking at me with an admiring or possible lustful glance and start looking at me like I should help that nice old lady?  Possible the nice is wishful thinking vs feeble

Forgivensss is not an Eraser

I have struggled for years with the concept of self-forgiveness. I totally understand that others have forgiven my transgressions and I because I do believe in God I also believe that my sins are forgiven
This is where the issues sort of begins.  I have a good life.  I had some years, however where I made poor choices, hurt people that cared and in general was not a person I liked. 

I have truly been Blessed in the past years with recovery from a potentially fatal disease, Stan has regained his health.  My Mom is living and happy.  My family is well, our collective children are well as are their children.

so what is my problem?  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, do I deserve this happiness? and I go on, with this unproductive litany.  I keep going back to the past because I do remember those stupid things I did.  I secretly wonder if people would like me if they "knew" the real me?

This is probably  not unique to me, but because we seldom discuss these fears with others, I am not certain. 

I can answer this a little better at least  to myself today.  I recently had a conversation with friends and the topic of past sins came up.  We all agreed we were fortunate to have grown and improved and during this conversation it occurred to me that I am who I am today because of those decisions and actions, indeed we all are products of our past.  Big discovery right?

Not too profound, but the light bulb that illuminated my  mind clearly showed me that while I have moved on, been forgiven  in fact became someone I like most of the time, forgiveness did not erase my mistakes, instead they remain remind me that I was capable of more, I am loved and supported to continue to grow.
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What I needed to see is how I am reminded to be thoughtful, and mindful of myself and others, it is not necessary to erase anything, what I need to do is remind myself to keep the pencil sharp and writing the story forward.

just a few random thoughts on life as I begin writing a new chapter starting in New England, interspersed with Ohio, and other places where my loved one live and I will hopefully keep
moving on, learning and loving more.

I pray for all I love and hope they pray for me.

Getting older is indeed, not for Sissys.

Exploring New Worlds

I spent my weekend exploring part of Northern California, Clear Lake is believed to be either the oldest lake in our land or the second oldest, the history is rich.  The sense of adventure and excitement I learned from Ken and company  so many years ago remains with me today .  I found new places and people this weekend, found new smells I will ever associate with this beautiful land.

I first ventured into the central part of the state, it could be Kansas with its flat fields and irrigation systems, but the mountains in the far horizon are a clue--it isn't Kansas.  It was hot, 110 degrees hot, dry and not totally uncomfortable, but then air conditioned cars help.  In this flat land rice, olives, sunflowers, apricots and more grow well.  Beyond the irrigation lies crisp golden grass, tinder for any stray fire and it is an ever present danger.

I saw my first remnant of a CA fire on this trip and in the evening the burned trees looked like a Halloween decoration, black and scary.  The next morning I felt differently, there among the cinders there were bits of green and some of the burned trees sprouted new greenery in defiance of the fire.  Green here and there and signs of life emerging from the black earth.  It is uplifting to see Nature fight back.  Given a chance restoration will occur, on its own and in a different or better way perhaps.  It speaks of the future and hope, that was the message this area gave me.

It is remarkable to even imagine how the first roads were built or how the paths were chosen.
Even today the roads are interesting and certainly fun to drive.  A bit taxing on the arms and shoulders after a few hours.  The drive from Mendocino south is like a roller coaster ride, I absolutely loved it and am glad that Stan wasn't with me. He would have hated it, not a fan of narrow, winding roads with no barriers.!

I drove through redwood forests that were so dense that when I stopped the car, not another sound could be heard except the wind,  I stopped in sheer reverence, this is a place where I felt God.  In the silence was just a sense of peace. I was Blessed to be able to drive for over an hour at 10-15 miles an hour because there were very few people, what a gift. The trees are so remarkable it is difficult to imagine how the first settlers felt when they saw them. 

California's coast is stunning, there are no actual words to describe the cliffs and beaches that just seem to appear.  I love this drive and stopped every chance I had to view the ocean, rivers and trees. the stark poverty here is equally stunning.  Marin county, so close is another world,  here are rundown homes, worn out vehicles and the signs of  a very weak economy.  the fishing and logging that supported this area no longer can be depended upon. Like other places I have lived there is balance or imbalance economically and geographically.

Beauty cannot make up for the remoteness and lack of employment.  It is sad, beautiful and wild.

I will edit this one day, perhaps but for now it will help remind me of this June weekend in California

San Francisco 2013

I ended up spending all of 2012 working at Robert Wood Johnson University Medical Center , in New Brunswick,NJ.

It was an awesome year.  I met wonderful people and made some terrific new friends.  I explored New Jersey and New York City , was able to spend some very quality time with Brenden, Collin and of course Gregg and Kim.  I  certainly got more  from this time than I expected.  I am Blessed


Now for San Francisco.  My recruiter told me to find an apartment on Craig's list, right me a slightly seasoned Midwesterner  locating a place in San Francisco.  RIGHT, fortunately Susan stepped up and here I am on Irving Street in a really charming neighborhood.  I am thrilled by the  opportunity to spend time here actually getting to feel a part of the culture

The Sutter Health System has some wonderful and talented people and I hope to have an equally good experience with this assignment, however RWJ is a hard act to follow

I feel so fortunate to be able to learn, teach and explore new horizon .  Being close to Jason and Susan
Is an added bonus, and was a draw for coming.  Stan will come next month and I am excited for him to share this

This is just the introduction to my SF chapter, more to come

Imagination, the Zest of Life

In Out of Africa, Karen Blixon, speaks of being an armchair traveler and until I heard the term I had never thought of myself in that way. She speaks of traveling to exotic places and spin here tales based on her imaginary traveler. As a little girl I traveled to outer space, China, Germany and hundreds of other places I found in the multiple books I read,  I created my own stories as well.  I still read and travel via book, and now when traveling my stories take on an entire life of their own in multiple airports.

I love sitting in the airport just observing the facial expressions of people which  inspires ideas for marvelous stories. They can be sweet, spicy or dangerous, you get to choose. I have never been bored in  public transportation situation in my life.  I have nearly missed a connection because of being lost in a different world.

I imagination takes us to new dimensions, expands some of our normal dimensions, and allows our
minds to be creative.

some could call this daydreaming, but I prefer to see it as a creative pastime where anything is possible.  This day dreaming is a good activity when the world seems especially harsh, traveling to a another place with other characters can provide a break, or respite from the drama of daily life.  Giving our minds a chance to regroup, as long as we come back and do not stay permanently in the fantasy world.

I do know that thinking is healthy, people watching is entertaining and educational and reading certainly needs no defense as a pastime.  I do believe that imagination is what keeps us creative, active and inspires a quest for more and more knowledge.  I doubt that i will ever want to quit reading and or dreaming. What about you?

Lessons for today, from TV

Life is just full of surprises.

  I am an avid NCIS follower and if I could live a new younger career I would want to be a combination of several of the characters.  I see myself in some of their persona's.
Gibbs in his pragmatic and straight forward manner is aloof, seemingly uninvolved emotionally and take charge would be a great OR Director.  He would just say, " Follow the policy, just do the work, no nonsense and be professional."
 Ziva a somewhat scarred individual, with a flawed relationship with her father.  All woman, all professional capable of love, caring and able to kill if her job requires it. Her physical stamina and abilities are just awesome.  I am envious of that.
Abbey, crazy unconventional and brilliant with the heart of gold. Also all woman in a different way from Ziva, appealing and provocative yet restrained in relationships.
I could add characteristics from the other characters but the result would be that same, qualities I have or would like to have and would like to secretly evolve or live,
I have an adventurous side, I can be aloof, I do hold back and certainly in my hospital work I really do wish at times I could just be totally black and white and say JUST DO IT. It is the right thing to do

I am like many other people in this world, if I could live life over in my fantasy world I might be a different sort of person in a different work role.
The appeal of leading a more dangerous life style as a law enforcement person is a strong feeling.
Perhaps I have an undeveloped side that has never been tapped, perhaps this is just part of the fantasy life I live in my dreams, who knows?  I do not.
What I do know is that I am a complex person, I have not yet learned all that I am intended to know.
I have learned in the past two days that things are not always as they may seem and I can benefit from the view seen by others

Two different people discussed the same situation with me and yes, I did learn a new view of a topic I thought I really understood.  WOW, i could have been wrong, or worse yet I didn't look far enough of the answers. 

Perhaps that is why I got on the NCIS kick, like all characters, they eventually see the issues, and solve the problems.  IN real life we stumble and slip but generally we find the end or solution.
My lack of patience has hindered my growing more that one time.

I will continue to be a complex person in both my real world and my other persona.

The one truth that did hit me tonight was that in the latest program Ziva lost her father without ever making his ever making amends, or her forgiving him for his offenses.  This is true of me.  My father was not much in my life, but when he died in 1980, I certainly had not established any relationship with him, no closure, no goodbye.  I am reminded that it has taken me years to come to grips with this and forgive me for not reaching out and him for whatever it was he did or did not do.  It simply is over and hard feelings, are not sustainable.
Why this matters tonight is that I could feel her pain and understand her anguish, she is playing a part and this was a part of my life.  I can only hope the writers will  give her peace.

I have had an opportunity today to learn, be surprised, laugh a little and cry a little.
 Just another feature of the Winter of Life, reflection is good, growth is possible and Hope is ever present.