Some doors must be closed

As I approached Dayton last evening I was struck once again by the beauty of the land.  In 1971 with Gregg safely in ha car seat we started a new life in Ohio.  We were young, hopeful and ready for a new world.  Dayton ,actually Huber Heights proved to be a multitude of life experiences.  There was great love and joy. There was great pain, tears and loss. There was learning and changing as well.  The years have changed the landscape in some ways but the memory of that first sight brought a smile albeit a wistful one, and I was aware that with the exception of only three or four people my years in this area are gone and locked away.  I cherish the positive and wonderful memories but the remainder is locked up. I can't change those bad years, yet neither do I need to relive them. The lessons learned have served well and that is all that is necessary.  I do not and will not entertain negativity or bitterness in my world. I lave learned that being with positive people brings positivity and joy.  So some doors must close and stay closed.
Life is to be lived productively and it can't be done if you are in negative surroundings.
Be peaceful, pray and celebrate life.

Moving Along

This is week three since I finished at Aurora.  I am honestly struggling to adjust to this new world.  It sounds easy, you don't go to work,  you do whatever you want, your time is free.  It is anything but simple.  I lived in a world ruled by my calendar, meetings and deadlines and I did it for decades.  Now I awaken and do not have to rush for the most part to anything.  I am still waking up at 0500 or earlier and staying up later is not working in fixing that issue, if it is an issue. 
I now have the time to actually finish moving into this house.  I have worked on a few things from time to time but since Stan died I never felt a need to complete some of the projects.  It still seems a non issue because who really cares, except me.  I am paring down and separating from many things we collected over the years because it is time for them to live with and brighten some other lives.  I am getting help with this process from a friend who is a pretty good terminator--will you need it, have you used it, what is it for??? out it goes. 
I have parted with some more of the furniture I still own from when Gregg and Jason were born, I am also keeping some, but fifty years of service is a long life.  I have been sorting out Stan's things as well.  His foot locker had his report cards, letters from when he was in the service, and miscellaneous things he wanted to keep.  I have sorted those out, discarded things that were not my concern and  put a few things aside for Nick
The tools he collected so lovingly are now being sorted for what I will and can use and a new life at Habitat Rehome.  He had a relationship with his tools, just I have had the same attachment to those things I thoughtfully collected and added to our home.
The struggle is now it is not our home, but a new home for me, a place where I have to build a new world.  I need it to have memories from all of my life and room for new experiences. 
Today I did exactly what I did not expect, I sat down in the kitchen looking at the empty buffet and hutch and cried.  Cried until my eyes hurt, and was done.
Life goes on and so will the changes in my world. 
Moving along.

When are we ready for the Pasture? Medicare has them built

I was recently in the hospital for a very brief period.  I found there an exacerbated version what everyone one of us over 65 experiences every time we visit a  health care provider.
Medicare appeared in 1965 to provide health care for people over 65, and if you review the questions that are asked participants it is doubtful that they have been examined or revised in those 50+ years.

People in their 60's and 70's in that era lived a different type of life.

Fast forward to 2017.  When I go to see my Primary Care doctor or any other my goal is generally single focused.  I want to fix what is not working correctly and get on with my life. 
What I don't want is:
Unnecessary medications
being Hospitalized
Having treatments that will do nothing to help me
Someone asking me stupid questions, that assuming that  I am feeble
Talking to me as if I cant possibly understand , and  rolling your eyes when I ask for an explanation.

What I need:
Please see me
Apply your questions to what you see, not your script.
I may still have a full time career? Yes this happens.
I have a life, I bike, hike, play cards and have a social life
I want to return to my own world as soon as possible.  I may volunteer at the senior center helping "old "people. 
I may have a ski trip planned, I have a life. I want to live it
Help me get well and quit patronizing me

Be active, do something about outdated Medicare questions that make you sound a little less than intelligent.
I want wide open spaces and the world, not a pasture

Life Changes, Grief Changes Nothing Changes

Stan has been gone for 8 months now and my life is different.  Grief remains present and will for a long while if not permanently while .Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross presents the stages of grief many have come to believe that this is linear process, without further study

Her ideas, notably the five stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), are transferable to varying degrees and in different ways, to personal change and emotional upset resulting from factors other than death and dying. See for example John Fisher's Personal Transition Theory.

Yes the stages of grief exist and are real challenges in life.  However there are no real patterns to the process.  if you were to draw the process of grief it would resemble a massive scribble, with movements every which direction.

My life is completely changed from what it was less that an year ago.  My dreams and visions of the future are reshaping as the days go by.  I am optimistic that there is much more to come as in opportunities, new friends to make and new things to learn.  I am actively seeking new opportunities for involvement and in constructive. way. there was definitely an opportunity to slip back into the depressive life that held me captive for so long, many years ago. I understood that was a real threat, PRAYER and logic certainly helped keep that at bay, along with a knowledgeable grief counselor.

So what is next?  I am not certain, I am retiring from my current job.  I know will need to do something else to supplement my retirement income to be comfortable.  It is so very scary--entering into an entire new world of expectations, options and opportunities.  This is that point at which this must be given to God, to guide my mind, open my ears to really hear the world, eyes to really see the truth in frontLife Changes, Grief Changes Everything Changes of me and a heart that is open, loving and accepting.

So here I am, praying with a hopefully open heart for guidance.  I starting an other stage of life with more things to accomplish and a willingness to follow HIM.

Remember grief is personal. do not let others tell you differently.

God Works in Mysterious Ways?

I have heard this statement more times than I could possible count.  Today I actually stopped to think about what it meant to me.

To some people, and me included at times it might look like I  have had a horrible year.  Retrospectively yes, a lot of bad things have happened.  I lost a huge portion of my life with Stan's death.  Yet when we told he had a terminal condition, I prayed that he not suffer.  He had a difficult time hours before his death but mercifully he never lost dignity, and died peacefully with loved ones present.  God was present with us during those last hours, I felt his love and I know in my heart that Stan went on knowing we would all be alright. 

We had talked for years about returning to Wisconsin and while I was never crazy about this idea when this unexpected opportunity came and we both thought moving to Two Rivers was right, and we did.  Never did we think (never did I think) that we would not grow old peacefully in this wonderful town. I will never really know, if Stan knew how sick we has, but in all the years we were married he took care of me.  He did protect me, spoil me and I have to believe that God put us here where Stan could rest knowing I was safe.

We crossed paths with people who became good friends in a short time, he made a special friend that he could talk with, something I hadn't seen in over 20 years.  I firmly believe that God brought us to these people for a reason.. Mysterious maybe but only to us, God provided the opportunity to be here we acted on it.  The people and the place were here waiting for us. God provided the path.

Faith has been the reason I have survived this long, God has always provided for me, this time my faith has been strong enough to believe and accept what is provided.  I truly know that believing opens my eyes to see the gifts.  God's way may not be all that mysterious, perhaps it is how we respond to what he provides.  I certainly don't know, but I do know that I am loved and there are angels holding me together many many days. For this I Thank God.  I pray I may continue to live with my eyes and heart open to hear and see his gifts.

It Takes A Town

We often hear the expression that it takes a village to raise a child.  I think it takes a Town to help one navigate a death. The past 10-12 days have been my worst nightmare.  Stan's death really did catch me unprepared, although I don't know how you can prepare.
The virtual Army of people who have stepped in to help me navigate has been mind boggling.  People have helped at the house that was yet incomplete.  The family who has been with me daily and is still here. has kept me sane during and insane time.  Not always the same people, but there has been someone here.
I have learned that letting people help, because the work they do  helps me, and frankly I am not really thinking clearly. They can help and share their gifts with me, and keep order here.  I find my mind wandering, filled with thousands of thoughts that have to do with Stan or things I think need to be done.  This Army has created order from chaos and made me feel safe as well as loved.
The friends who have already made future plans with me give me something to see ahead in my world.
Having something in the future seems to be doubly important at this time in my life.
I couldn't do this alone and am so privileged to have so many people that care about me, and cared about Stan that are here for me. (I have thought about what have I done to deserve this, but have resolved that for some reason I  am just very fortunate to have this family of mine, and our friends in my life. 
I thank God for what was, what is and what will be.  I am thankful for this TOWN that is surrounding me.

Transformation.?.?

Life definitely moves on.  I watched old videos last night that took me back over 40 years.  There were my Grandparents, my babies and the world that as a child I had dreamed of having.  I did have it and reliving those precious times was bittersweet.
Who knows why life happens!  I certainly do not.  The young woman I was, happy, sad, mixed up, young,  depressed, happy, and so on, certainly was not prepared for the tests life brings.  For years I felt like a failure, I was angry, mean and my head certainly was not on straight.  All of that is true, none of that is true?.. I know life happened, decisions were made, consequences and new opportunities grew.
I do know the past is the past.  It is the foundation we have for today.  However I got to where I am today, this is where I am.
I do know that each day is a gift.  I have found the gift that allows me to truly appreciate each and every day..
I can revisit the past, smile and cry with the memories but today is time to make new memories for my children and Grandchildren to see in the future and smile and perhaps cry a little too.
Life will keep moving on, I hope I have many more Happy memories to leave to those who love me.
I will continue to cherish  the ones I have.
"St. Patricks Day, an enchanted time---a day to begin transforming winters dream into summer magic." Adrianne Cook
I like that quote, transformation--life is a continuous transformation.