Life Changes, Grief Changes Nothing Changes

Stan has been gone for 8 months now and my life is different.  Grief remains present and will for a long while if not permanently while .Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross presents the stages of grief many have come to believe that this is linear process, without further study

Her ideas, notably the five stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), are transferable to varying degrees and in different ways, to personal change and emotional upset resulting from factors other than death and dying. See for example John Fisher's Personal Transition Theory.

Yes the stages of grief exist and are real challenges in life.  However there are no real patterns to the process.  if you were to draw the process of grief it would resemble a massive scribble, with movements every which direction.

My life is completely changed from what it was less that an year ago.  My dreams and visions of the future are reshaping as the days go by.  I am optimistic that there is much more to come as in opportunities, new friends to make and new things to learn.  I am actively seeking new opportunities for involvement and in constructive. way. there was definitely an opportunity to slip back into the depressive life that held me captive for so long, many years ago. I understood that was a real threat, PRAYER and logic certainly helped keep that at bay, along with a knowledgeable grief counselor.

So what is next?  I am not certain, I am retiring from my current job.  I know will need to do something else to supplement my retirement income to be comfortable.  It is so very scary--entering into an entire new world of expectations, options and opportunities.  This is that point at which this must be given to God, to guide my mind, open my ears to really hear the world, eyes to really see the truth in frontLife Changes, Grief Changes Everything Changes of me and a heart that is open, loving and accepting.

So here I am, praying with a hopefully open heart for guidance.  I starting an other stage of life with more things to accomplish and a willingness to follow HIM.

Remember grief is personal. do not let others tell you differently.

God Works in Mysterious Ways?

I have heard this statement more times than I could possible count.  Today I actually stopped to think about what it meant to me.

To some people, and me included at times it might look like I  have had a horrible year.  Retrospectively yes, a lot of bad things have happened.  I lost a huge portion of my life with Stan's death.  Yet when we told he had a terminal condition, I prayed that he not suffer.  He had a difficult time hours before his death but mercifully he never lost dignity, and died peacefully with loved ones present.  God was present with us during those last hours, I felt his love and I know in my heart that Stan went on knowing we would all be alright. 

We had talked for years about returning to Wisconsin and while I was never crazy about this idea when this unexpected opportunity came and we both thought moving to Two Rivers was right, and we did.  Never did we think (never did I think) that we would not grow old peacefully in this wonderful town. I will never really know, if Stan knew how sick we has, but in all the years we were married he took care of me.  He did protect me, spoil me and I have to believe that God put us here where Stan could rest knowing I was safe.

We crossed paths with people who became good friends in a short time, he made a special friend that he could talk with, something I hadn't seen in over 20 years.  I firmly believe that God brought us to these people for a reason.. Mysterious maybe but only to us, God provided the opportunity to be here we acted on it.  The people and the place were here waiting for us. God provided the path.

Faith has been the reason I have survived this long, God has always provided for me, this time my faith has been strong enough to believe and accept what is provided.  I truly know that believing opens my eyes to see the gifts.  God's way may not be all that mysterious, perhaps it is how we respond to what he provides.  I certainly don't know, but I do know that I am loved and there are angels holding me together many many days. For this I Thank God.  I pray I may continue to live with my eyes and heart open to hear and see his gifts.

It Takes A Town

We often hear the expression that it takes a village to raise a child.  I think it takes a Town to help one navigate a death. The past 10-12 days have been my worst nightmare.  Stan's death really did catch me unprepared, although I don't know how you can prepare.
The virtual Army of people who have stepped in to help me navigate has been mind boggling.  People have helped at the house that was yet incomplete.  The family who has been with me daily and is still here. has kept me sane during and insane time.  Not always the same people, but there has been someone here.
I have learned that letting people help, because the work they do  helps me, and frankly I am not really thinking clearly. They can help and share their gifts with me, and keep order here.  I find my mind wandering, filled with thousands of thoughts that have to do with Stan or things I think need to be done.  This Army has created order from chaos and made me feel safe as well as loved.
The friends who have already made future plans with me give me something to see ahead in my world.
Having something in the future seems to be doubly important at this time in my life.
I couldn't do this alone and am so privileged to have so many people that care about me, and cared about Stan that are here for me. (I have thought about what have I done to deserve this, but have resolved that for some reason I  am just very fortunate to have this family of mine, and our friends in my life. 
I thank God for what was, what is and what will be.  I am thankful for this TOWN that is surrounding me.

Transformation.?.?

Life definitely moves on.  I watched old videos last night that took me back over 40 years.  There were my Grandparents, my babies and the world that as a child I had dreamed of having.  I did have it and reliving those precious times was bittersweet.
Who knows why life happens!  I certainly do not.  The young woman I was, happy, sad, mixed up, young,  depressed, happy, and so on, certainly was not prepared for the tests life brings.  For years I felt like a failure, I was angry, mean and my head certainly was not on straight.  All of that is true, none of that is true?.. I know life happened, decisions were made, consequences and new opportunities grew.
I do know the past is the past.  It is the foundation we have for today.  However I got to where I am today, this is where I am.
I do know that each day is a gift.  I have found the gift that allows me to truly appreciate each and every day..
I can revisit the past, smile and cry with the memories but today is time to make new memories for my children and Grandchildren to see in the future and smile and perhaps cry a little too.
Life will keep moving on, I hope I have many more Happy memories to leave to those who love me.
I will continue to cherish  the ones I have.
"St. Patricks Day, an enchanted time---a day to begin transforming winters dream into summer magic." Adrianne Cook
I like that quote, transformation--life is a continuous transformation.

Who Has the Rule Book

This blog post will be an on going proposition.  I am certainly happy that I am growing older.  There are many who were dear to me that no longer have this option.  I am puzzled by one thing.  We do not really have new parent manuals, there are sort of books, we have a lot of research and literature on careen building, Life coaching, Life Balance and  not much on How To Age

I am going to explore some of the phenomena  that those of us aging experience.

My first topic later this week will be
When did men stop looking at me with an admiring or possible lustful glance and start looking at me like I should help that nice old lady?  Possible the nice is wishful thinking vs feeble

Forgivensss is not an Eraser

I have struggled for years with the concept of self-forgiveness. I totally understand that others have forgiven my transgressions and I because I do believe in God I also believe that my sins are forgiven
This is where the issues sort of begins.  I have a good life.  I had some years, however where I made poor choices, hurt people that cared and in general was not a person I liked. 

I have truly been Blessed in the past years with recovery from a potentially fatal disease, Stan has regained his health.  My Mom is living and happy.  My family is well, our collective children are well as are their children.

so what is my problem?  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, do I deserve this happiness? and I go on, with this unproductive litany.  I keep going back to the past because I do remember those stupid things I did.  I secretly wonder if people would like me if they "knew" the real me?

This is probably  not unique to me, but because we seldom discuss these fears with others, I am not certain. 

I can answer this a little better at least  to myself today.  I recently had a conversation with friends and the topic of past sins came up.  We all agreed we were fortunate to have grown and improved and during this conversation it occurred to me that I am who I am today because of those decisions and actions, indeed we all are products of our past.  Big discovery right?

Not too profound, but the light bulb that illuminated my  mind clearly showed me that while I have moved on, been forgiven  in fact became someone I like most of the time, forgiveness did not erase my mistakes, instead they remain remind me that I was capable of more, I am loved and supported to continue to grow.
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What I needed to see is how I am reminded to be thoughtful, and mindful of myself and others, it is not necessary to erase anything, what I need to do is remind myself to keep the pencil sharp and writing the story forward.

just a few random thoughts on life as I begin writing a new chapter starting in New England, interspersed with Ohio, and other places where my loved one live and I will hopefully keep
moving on, learning and loving more.

I pray for all I love and hope they pray for me.

Getting older is indeed, not for Sissys.

Exploring New Worlds

I spent my weekend exploring part of Northern California, Clear Lake is believed to be either the oldest lake in our land or the second oldest, the history is rich.  The sense of adventure and excitement I learned from Ken and company  so many years ago remains with me today .  I found new places and people this weekend, found new smells I will ever associate with this beautiful land.

I first ventured into the central part of the state, it could be Kansas with its flat fields and irrigation systems, but the mountains in the far horizon are a clue--it isn't Kansas.  It was hot, 110 degrees hot, dry and not totally uncomfortable, but then air conditioned cars help.  In this flat land rice, olives, sunflowers, apricots and more grow well.  Beyond the irrigation lies crisp golden grass, tinder for any stray fire and it is an ever present danger.

I saw my first remnant of a CA fire on this trip and in the evening the burned trees looked like a Halloween decoration, black and scary.  The next morning I felt differently, there among the cinders there were bits of green and some of the burned trees sprouted new greenery in defiance of the fire.  Green here and there and signs of life emerging from the black earth.  It is uplifting to see Nature fight back.  Given a chance restoration will occur, on its own and in a different or better way perhaps.  It speaks of the future and hope, that was the message this area gave me.

It is remarkable to even imagine how the first roads were built or how the paths were chosen.
Even today the roads are interesting and certainly fun to drive.  A bit taxing on the arms and shoulders after a few hours.  The drive from Mendocino south is like a roller coaster ride, I absolutely loved it and am glad that Stan wasn't with me. He would have hated it, not a fan of narrow, winding roads with no barriers.!

I drove through redwood forests that were so dense that when I stopped the car, not another sound could be heard except the wind,  I stopped in sheer reverence, this is a place where I felt God.  In the silence was just a sense of peace. I was Blessed to be able to drive for over an hour at 10-15 miles an hour because there were very few people, what a gift. The trees are so remarkable it is difficult to imagine how the first settlers felt when they saw them. 

California's coast is stunning, there are no actual words to describe the cliffs and beaches that just seem to appear.  I love this drive and stopped every chance I had to view the ocean, rivers and trees. the stark poverty here is equally stunning.  Marin county, so close is another world,  here are rundown homes, worn out vehicles and the signs of  a very weak economy.  the fishing and logging that supported this area no longer can be depended upon. Like other places I have lived there is balance or imbalance economically and geographically.

Beauty cannot make up for the remoteness and lack of employment.  It is sad, beautiful and wild.

I will edit this one day, perhaps but for now it will help remind me of this June weekend in California